Let Thoughts Come and Go
Stop wrestling with your mind
We try to fix our thoughts when we should be changing our relationship to them.— Dr. Steven C. Hayes
You don't have to argue with every thought. You can simply let it pass.
The short version
Thoughts are like clouds. You can watch them drift by without chasing them.
Let's unpack this
Most of us have a habitual response to difficult thoughts: we engage. We argue. We try to disprove them. We try to push them away. But engaging with a thought doesn't make it go away — it keeps it around longer. This is <strong>rumination</strong> — replaying the same worry over and over as if thinking harder will solve it. It won't. The alternative is cognitive defusion: stepping back and simply noticing the thought without reacting. Instead of "I'm a failure," you say "I notice I'm having the thought that I'm a failure." The shift is subtle but profound. You're no longer in the thought; you're observing it. And what you observe loses its grip on you.
Someone else felt this too
You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.— Jon Kabat-Zinn
How this works in practice
Instead of getting into an argument with every difficult thought, you can learn to simply notice it and let it be. You don't have to believe it, fight it, or fix it — you can just watch it pass, the same way you'd watch a car pass outside your window.
How this helps with the people in your life
- When a thought about a past argument arises, you don't need to re-litigate it.
- You can have an unkind thought about someone without it meaning anything about you.
- You can notice a thought without agreeing with it.
Try a practice
A guided exercise that pairs well with this principle.